Ep.23 | Navigating a career crisis together
(Meditation song at the end - Christ in Me Arise by Trevor Thomson)
Peace, love, and blessings to you!
I can’t tell you the number of times my husband and I have tried to pick back up our video blog, the number of iterations we’ve been through trying to come up with some new novel way to share our journey now that we have daughter.
This is what we have decided – for me to keep up a journal, since I love to write while my husband copyedits.
Ok, so at this very moment, you’re stepping into my life a little over a month after I had to retire from my local government job. Yep, I’m a government orphan now searching for a new job (and possibly career path) after enduring what I’d say was an abusive relationship, especially the last year I was there. I left because my colleague and I said NO to committing what we knew as fraud with federal dollars, all in the name of climate science.
I am indeed a climate adaptation scientist by profession, but at this moment, I’m letting go of that title in my current season of recovery and restoration. And at the core of this crossroads, is my life with my saint of a husband and our little 7 month angel. It’s our life as a Catholic family that has really kept me from sinking to dark depths that I would be in right now if it wasn’t for my marriage. I know because I’ve been in darkness many MANY times in my life, and each time, I would try to numb the pain with alcohol and marijuana, to try and carry on ‘succeeding’ in life, chasing the career, the titles, the prestige as a scientist.
This time, though I am not out of the valley yet, I already know I’m not going to waste years stuck in heartbreaking cycles that open doors to violence of my soul…because this time, I have my marriage.
I am tearing up as I type this, but I cannot truly articulate the blessing my marriage has been to me in this time. In a time of such insecurity of my identity, as I attached my identity to my career successes, I have my husband’s counsel, to remind me that my career doesn’t define who I am.
I have a prayer partner, to go into spiritual battle with me, when the enemy (the devil – who is very real!) tears me down with insidious whispers I think are my own, telling me that I am a waste of space, to be disappointed in myself for not accomplishing anything, that I will never be able to do anything that is useful or meaningful.
What that looks like in those moments is me siting or lying in bed paralyzed – sometimes crying, sometimes not. Then my husband, knowing me better than I know myself, asks me what is going on. Often, I don’t have words. If I try, I get even more emotional because I cannot articulate it.
Instead of walking away in those moments, my husband CHOOSES to love me (which isn’t always the easiest choice!) and comes to me, and gives me all of his attention as if there is nothing more important to do but to be in this moment with me. And we just sit. And sit. And sit.
(Though again, there is a suffering of the loved one who is there supporting the beloved which is very real. I send my gratitude and love to all those who may be supporting their loved ones who are going through difficult times. Even though your beloved may not be able to thank you, trust me, they are grateful.)
The silence is not uncomfortable for us.
The tears – he wipes them from my face. And soon enough, I start trying to talk and release what I am holding inside.
One thing that I know God gifts married couples is the opportunity to communicate in such deep levels that is unique to marriage. But my husband and I both know, even from our own families, that it’s an opportunity not always ceased. Mostly because of wounds and fear of vulnerability.
I was the queen of locking up my heart, but I took a chance on being vulnerable with my husband when I first met him. I was tired of pretending everything was ok all the time. I was exhausted from keeping up the façade. I was weary.
And sure enough, we started to receive those graces, that invitation, of intimate communication even before we got married. The result has been lifesaving, time and time again. Because the very feelings that have gotten me to put guns in my mouth, razors to my wrist…those feelings are now spoken aloud, accepted with love, and covered in prayer.
So in this time of complete undoing, letting go of who I held myself to be, of allowing myself to be taken where God needs me, my marriage has saved my life.
Together, we are making this journey, and God gives us the graces to do it.
And don’t get it twisted! Graces are what make this journey POSSIBLE, not easy. God never promised an easy road for those who believe in Him. He promised His love. He knows all of what we are up against in this earthly realm, where darkness and light both dwell. And so, He’s given us all that we can possibly need to navigate through – in the way that HE sees best, where He is able to take the pains of darkness and transform them into blinding light…if we let Him.
And since the sufferings we experience are not punishments (God redefined His relationship with us through Jesus), He’s able to receive our cries and tears to help not just ourselves, but others who need support as well – family, loved ones, or even strangers across the world that we feel we can’t or are unable to help. (Again, with our relationship with God now redefined, we no longer need to offer burnt offering as of the days of old – WE ourselves and all that we do and experience ARE the offerings…again, through Jesus!)
Let me tell you, even having been a cradle-Catholic, who drifted away from the faith in my 20s, but found my way back home, what I just said is only just now making sense.
I would have never accepted, for example, that me falling into a mental health crises because of my job, was necessary to get me to move on to a different book of life…or that sleepless, tearful nights could be received as offerings to support my beloved friends who are suffering their own trials.
Man….I wonder what God has planned for us.
All I know is that my marriage is the vehicle that will get us there. And the daily lessons and practice I get of how to love is what will allow me to be better at loving others along the way, because our world surely needs as much authentic love poured into it as possible.
Personal prayer: Dear God, my love for you is so small, yet you continue to love me still. Just as our little girl loves me and my husband, may we come to love you in that way, trusting in your care and compassion for us in this time of great anticipation of what you have planned for us next. Please continue to grant us the graces to grow in love with you by helping us to dive deeper into the gifts you give to us in our sacramental marriage. Thank you God for your love and redefining your relationship with us through Jesus to be one of mercy and forgiveness. Amen.